As posted previously, I've decided to go back to work, at least temporarily. The more I think about what I'm doing and why, the more I find myself unsure of what label to put on this decision. I'm working again, part-time, in the evenings, for how long? Trying to find the whole work/life balance has seemed elusive over the past two years since I first went back to a full-time job when Moira was one year old. I seemed to drift in and out of working like one drifting in and out of restless sleep. I quit when my balance was off and went back when I regained my equilibrium. In fact, the more I pondered why I did this the more I realized that I always felt this way. Even as a high school and college student attempting to plan out my five and ten year goals, ambitious achievements would top the list. But at the back of my mind was the ever present echo of wanting to marry and have children. I couldn't see how to do both then, and certainly the way is not any clearer now. I did, however, just stumble across an article that articulated my conflict for the first time. I saw myself in some of these women, though certainly not with their list of credentials. Yet, I too was drifting back and forth across the great divide that is career vs. family life.
My first job after three years of maternity leave was at a fast-paced, intense business with many egocentric men. I was only looking for a job. My employer was looking for someone who could keep pace with these high-flyers. After five miserable months I concluded that this environment was not healthy for me or my children. The stress I was under meant that all four members of our family never had a peaceful day. So I drifted out. It took five weeks to reestablish my balance and then I drifted back into another job. I stayed there for six months until my pregnancy became too difficult for my working body. I gave notice and went on bed rest until Brayden was born two weeks later. Then when my son was ten months old my employer contacted me about returning as a Christmas Temp. I considered the idea and decided to go back to work for a few months. Now that I have been working for two months I can see myself working until such time as I don't need it anymore. I drifted back into this position and when I no longer have any use for it I will drift away.
Where am I headed? My long-term goals are consistent, that hasn't changed. But the means I use to get there change as my needs and my families needs change. And I think that is the true definition of freedom: the ability to adapt to one's circumstances without outside constraints.
I know this seems too deep for this blog, but just thought I'd share. If it's too thick, you can come over and try the fudge that I made in my very Susie Homemaker home.
We decided that it was time to cut Brayden's hair. It didn't seem that long until it fell into his eyes. However, when we were at the salon and they wet his hair down and pulled it up it was LONG (at least for a well groomed boy). I sat in the chair and was caped, then held Brayden on my lap and was also caped.
